Election mayhem in Denver, Colorado
16.11.2000 - 16.11.2000
On November 8th, 2000, The United States of America held presidential elections in which Republican George W. Bush faced off against Democrat Al Gore. The election turned out to be the closest election in U.S.A. history, and the winner of the white house hinged on the vote from Florida. Unfortunately for Mr. Bush and Mr. Gore, the vote in Florida was very, very close and depending on how you counted it, could swing either Mr. Bush or Mr. Gore into the Whitehouse.
Eventually, more than 1 month later on December 12th, 2000, Mr. Gore finally conceded the election to Mr. Bush. However, during that month and a week a number of political, legal and public relations battles were fought between the two men and their respective political parties.
This email, send November 16th, 2000, is a tongue in cheek look at the effect the election was having on the people of Denver and the nation as the whole, and the impact it was having on me personally. In reality, I was just bored and wanted something to do. All that being said, it still only killed about 40 minutes of my day. Back to playing Tetris, I guess.
The time is currently 3:39 pm MST. By 3:00pm MST today, 6 of the 10 people working on my project in Denver had left work. Productivity is slipping badly. It is obvious to me that the lack of firm leadership in this country is causing the entire nation to slip into anarchy. I am worried for my safety, but being the forward thinker that I am, I have taken precautions.
1. I used to leave my passport in my suitcase at the hotel. No more, I am starting to carry it with me at all times. You never know when the people are going to be rioting in the streets and I will be forced to flee the country.
2. In preparation for fleeing the country, I have figured out that the closest Canadian consulate is Dallas (a 16 hour and 19 minute drive according to mapquest). As a backup, Los Angeles is 17 hours and 14 minutes away. Luckily the mapquest site has a handy-dandy link to Alamo car rental, so I can get a car when I need to. I wonder if they will still take American Express if America disintegrates?
Now, you may be asking why have I figured out where the Canadian Consulates are? Well, I know you have all seen the film of the American evacuation of Hanoi. Based on that, I am sure the Canadian government will provide helicopters to help escaping Canadians. Though, based on the luck we have had with helicopters lately, maybe I should just see how long it would take me to drive to the Canadian border...
3. Seeing as the drive to either Dallas, Los Angeles or the Canadian border is so long, I have decided to start stock piling weapons. Unfortunately, Colorado is one of those "liberal" states that has waiting periods for weapons. (I should have damn well gotten myself staffed in Texas where you can buy guns at the local 7-11). So at the present moment the only weapons I have been able to stockpile are fuzzy nerf balls and a pair of scissors, though I heard that Walmart has a special on staple guns. No waiting period on those!
4. I have a cache of airline peanuts (courtesy of Air Canada), chocolates (provided by the hotel during "turn-down" service) and bottled water (stolen from the United Red Carpet Club Lounge at Denver International Airport) to provide sustenance in the event that McDonald's or Subway shut their doors due to food shortages.
5. I have saved 5 back copies of the USA Today for toilet paper.
6. I bought a new stick of deodorant, 10 new razor blades and a can of shaving gel. Additionally, I have hidden away 6 bottles of hotel shampoo and conditioner. Just because the country is in revolt is no reason to let your hygiene slip.
7. I have planned out my looting schedule. First, I am going to hit the Walgreens around the corner for chocolate bars and gum. Then to The Gap - they have these really great ribbed sweaters that I think I would look great in. And I need new sunglasses - so the Sunglass Hut would be next. (Johnny, I will pick up a pair for you). The Sunglass Hut is connected to the Watch Station, so I could replace my "street" Tag Heuer with a real one. That'd be cool. Oh, and the Nike store is right next door...
8. I have pre-sold the rights to my "harrowing story of escape during a time of unrest" to TBS for $500,000. They have pre-cast James Vanderbeek ("Dawson's Creek") as myself, Randy Quaid ("Independence Day") as George W. Bush, George Segal ("Just Shoot Me") as Al Gore and Tom Skerrit (what the hell has he been in? Oh right, a bunch of crappy movies) as Prime Minister Jean Chretien. We are currently in talks with Cindy Williams ("Laverne and Shirley") to play my love interest, though she wasn't my first choice...
I have taken my $500,000 and invested it in Government of Netherland Antilles bonds, which I am positive will be the next big superpower once the U.S.A. fails. Trust me on that. (Check out information on the next superpower of the world at Netherlands Antilles)
9. I have sent this email to all the people who are important to me to let you know if I don't make it out, that I love you all. So don't worry for me, because I have taken many preparations (as you can see above). And I look forward to seeing you all in the safety of Canada soon...
Remember, society is only 3 meals away from revolution!
Wish me luck...